My Name is Karen, Yours might be too.
Patiently and absentmindedly, I was waiting in line for the best pizza in the neighborhood. Tuesday is free topping day and as good a day as any to support a local, favorite business in these hard times.
That was when she breezed by me. Her well-coiffed self-absorption carried her past both the line as well as the large hand lettered sign on the door, “please wait, one customer at a time.”
A low grumble of disbelief passed among us strangers, with our masks on and social distances observed. We watched through the wide store window as the suburban white woman overwhelmed the cashier, and other customers, and paid for her pizzas. She burst back through the door, pizza boxes in hand, headed to her Escalade.
Then from the boldest of the group: “Hey Karen! Didn’t you see a line here?”
She shrugged and dismissed us with a wave.
“Of course you didn’t,” he responded. And we all laughed, the casual comradery between strangers with a common antagonist.
Of course, I laughed too.
Because being a suburban white woman, I knew what side I wanted to be on in this time and place.
Because my actual name doesn’t matter, right?
Except for in all the ways that it does. I don’t have the asymmetrical hair style, but I am an older white suburban woman who drives an SUV. And although my friends swear I’m not “that kind of Karen,” my teenage daughter has suggested I sign notes to her teachers as, “Mrs. Mullin;” you know, just incase they might mistake the type of person I am. As the Karen crescendo has built to label all the entitled, racist and selfish women as having my name, I will admit to feeling a bit defensive at times.
As luck would have it, I have spent some of the last few years learning about cultural competency and unconscious bias. One of the most helpful techniques I learned was to ‘sit with’ something that makes you uncomfortable before you react. This is an approach that helps a person not be defensive and instead to listen, think, reflect and then thoughtfully respond. Through these workshops I learned that even though I had always thought of myself as empathetic and kind, there were many times I have completely and inappropriately put myself as the center of importance, often in order to appear the most likable person in the room.
At a time when the most unlikable thing a person could be is a Karen, this is a great opportunity to ‘sit with’ that. For a minute, be a middle-class white woman named Karen with me. Instead of rolling your eyes or being defensive and completely confident that you aren’t that stereotype, sit with it for a minute.
Now, what steps can you take to make sure you aren’t actually “Karen” like?
First step, remember your are a Karen. The entire world is ready to dismiss you, and maybe they should; it all depends on how you act.
Next, don’t believe your own hype. You got to be where you are out of both hard work and a hell of a lot of luck, including being born a white woman. Consider if you have humbly given enough time, space and grace to others.
Then, embrace that you have flaws and do the work to become empathetic to the atrocities that you have ignored because they are inconvenient to see.
Finally, if you think it’s better to decide who to vote for based on their tax plan rather than whether they actively defend the dignity of all people, maybe you can understand why you appear entitled. If you are more worried about your retirement savings than your ability to pay this month’s food bill, then maybe you can understand why you could appear selfish. If you have thought more about how you feel about race in America as opposed to learning more about how black and brown people experience race in America, than you might understand why you sound racist.
Don’t get defensive. Do not call the manager. Remember for a minute, as a Karen, you need to listen, breathe, and reflect.
Then find a way to move forward that will instill the integrity back into your name.
Giving Credit:
Cultural Competency Training: Lillileaf Solutions
Photocredit: Vitalii Chernopyskyi via Unsplash
